The Case Against Celebrating a Separate Birth Mothers' Day

There is a movement afoot to celebrate “Birth Mothers’ Day” on the Saturday before Mother’s Day. There is something unsettling about the prospect of celebrating such a day.

There is no doubt that the proponents of “Birth Mothers’ Day” do so out of love and respect for birth mothers.

However by creating a separate day for birth mothers, we inadvertently communicate that birth mothers are not “real” mothers. Think about it. We don’t celebrate stepmother day, adoptive mother day, biological mother day, in-vitro mother day, aunt who was like a mother day, neighbor lady who loved all the kids day, etc. etc. etc. Instead, there is one day, for Mothers of all kinds. We celebrate women who made sure we were safe, and loved, and cared for – and in many cases – brought us life.

And so, what have these birth mother’s done for their children? They made sure their children were safe, loved, cared for, and brought them life. The solution? Recognize and acknowledge that when a woman makes an adoption plan, she is fulfilling her responsibilities as a loving mother.

“Mothers’ Day” is big enough to celebrate all of the women whose love and sacrifice contributed to creating, raising, and loving each child.

Protecting the Light

My amazing nine year old daughter Emma sang in chapel with her good friend Grace Ann.  They sang "Firework" by Katy Perry.  I think I may have been even more nervous than she was.  I just wanted her to be happy with herself, proud of herself, to gain a small glimpse into the magic that is Emma.  Just seeing her get up in front of her school . . . wow!  She did it . . . in front of her school, her grandmother, and her grandfather (both with tears in their eyes).  With a beautiful little voice my scared little girl and her friend sang . . .

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"
. . .

I could not help thinking of that quiet little girl I first held in Russia almost 9 years ago.  She did not smile easily.  She was so serious . . . so reticent.  She had almost lost her light -- that spark that God gives each child.  That light that gives hope for our future and joy to our lives. 

I also can't help but think of a another little girl, we will call her Kathy.  Her mother was not ready to be a mother, but she was guilted into parenting, forced into parenting -- by her family.  They had to protect "their blood" . . . their genetic material.  Kathy's mother made her bed . . . she must lie in it. Kathy's mother had to "step up to the plate." 

So, Kathy has enough to eat and she is adequately dressed.  But, her mother, who struggles everyday, cannot delight in her.  There is no time for tickles and giggles.  While she tries her best, Kathy's mother, who does love her, still does not want to be a mother.  And the family who insisted she parent, is little to no help.

I suspect (hope) Kathy's physical safety will never be an issue.  But each day, her light will dim just a little bit more, until it is so far gone, that it cannot be ignited . . .  her colors will not burst . . . she will not shoot across the sky.

CPS will (hopefully) protect her physical safety, the family protected "their blood" . . . But who protects her light?

Homestudy -- Maximizing your Net Worth

Alright, so you have started the homestudy process. Odds are your agency has given you a packet of information to complete as well as a library of documents to collect. Please note, the agency that completes your homestudy may or may not be your "placing" agency, ie the agency that "places" a child in your home. However, make certain whichever agency you choose for the homestudy is acceptable to your placing agency. Some states and some countries have restrictions on the qualifications of the agency and/or the credentials of the individual conducting the homestudy. For example, China requires that the homestudy agency (not just the placing agency) be Hague Accredited, and the State of Connecticut has a short approval process required for out of state agencies involved in some interstate adoptions. There are other idiosyncrasies involved in other adoptions, so check with your placing agency. You do not want to pay for two homestudies.

Generally you will be producing the following:

1. Financial documents, including tax returns and employment verifications;
If you are self employed, you will need to have your accountant or bookkeeper prepare the verification. Be sure to instruct him or her to add back your depreciation and other like expenses. You need your income to be calculated in a manner which would be comparable to a person with who is not self employed. Otherwise, as most self employed people work to expenses as much as possible, it will appear that you do not have sufficient income to raise a(nother) child. This method is perfectly acceptable so long as you make certain that you retain a record of how your accountant arrived at the final number. If you are employed and recieve bounses, include those in your employment verification. If you need to, ask your HR department to average the last few years to come up with a prediction of future bonuses.

2. You will likely be asked to prepare a financial statement. This too can be a bit overwhelming for some. If you own a home, it is likely your largest asset. You will want to accurately maximize the value of the asset. If you do not have a recent appraisal, then look at your latest tax appraisal. If you live in an area with significantly below value tax appraisals, then contact a realtor for a market analysis or just check with local Realtors for information regarding sales in your area of similar homes. Again, be sure to document how you arrived at the value listed. The key is to make certain your number is reasonable.

Many people forget to include the contents of their home as an asset on their financial statement. One way to arrive at that number is to contact your insurance agent and ask how much the contents of your home are insured for at the time of the homestudy. Depending on the condition of the contents, you may want to use a percentage of that number. Again, keep a record of how you arrived at the value.

For vehicles values, utilize the Internet. Finally, do not forget the cash value of life insurance, annuities, retirement accounts, college funds, etc. Your goal is the legitimately maximize your net worth. Just be reasonable, and document, document, document.

How to Start the Adoption Process

So, you want to adopt.  Maybe you have spent several years trying the old fashioned way.  Maybe you have spend years on infertility treatments.  Or maybe, you are like me, and you just feel that God intends you to find your child through adoption.  Whatever your path, once you decide to adopt, the questions becomes . . . Now What?

Initially there are several questions to consider.  Private vs Foster, Domestic vs International, Infant vs Older Child?  There will be so many opinions out there regarding which is "best."  The answer -- none of them and all of them.  There is no one size fits all.  There is no "right" answer.  There is only the answer that is right for you. 

You may have started on the internet and gone into information/opinion overload.  While getting familiar with the different process online is useful, I strongly suggest you call and/or visit several agencies.  Talk to the agencies.  See which agency and which program feels like a good "fit." 

Do not be shy about asking every single questions you have.  A reputable agency will understand and will be prepared with answers.  However there are very few objective standards upon which to rely in making your decision.  So much of the decision will be a function of simple preference and "fit."  However, there are several places to start:

1.  Check the licensing status of the agency.  Many states now provide the license status of agencies online.  Others will require a call to the licensing body.  Ask about the status of the license and whether any adverse action has been taken against the license in the past five years.  Specifically ask if the agency is on probation and/or has a plan of corrective action in place.

2.Check with the Attorney General and/or Consumer Protection agency of your state for complaints.  Know that a reputable agency may have complaints.  However, you are looking for a pattern or large number of complaints in relation to the size of the agency. 

3.  Check with the Better Business Bureau (see above)

4.  Ask for references and then actually call the references. 

5.  Be wary of any agency that requires a large portion of funds paid at the beginning of the process, particularly in a domestic adoption.  Most states do not permit an agency to charge a large portion of the fee before you have an approved homestudy (more about the homestudy in a later post).

6.  Once you have decided to adopt, you want your child home yesterday!  However, if an agency is telling you that they can process your adoption and bring your child home significantly faster or easier than most other agencies are advertising -- there is likely a problem. 
 
7.  Finally, read your contract.  Know what your contract says and if it is different from your understanding -- talk to the agency -- ask questions -- ask for revisions to the contract.

Adoption may be the hardest thing you will ever do.  But, if you see it through, it will be the best thing you will ever do.  Good Luck with your process!